Sometimes things happen...

So, that's probably the stupidest thing someone could ever say...

"sometimes things happen..."

No shit, Paige. Things happen a lot... good things, bad things, some things, no things... Things happen.

But sometimes, things happen that change you dramatically. Sometimes your heart gets broken into so many pieces that you don't know how it will ever be a heart again. Sometimes, you are betrayed in ways you didn't think were imaginable, and you somehow find a way to get past it, to move on, and continue as if it never happened. But it did. And somewhere in your mind, in your soul, it has changed you.

It's been six months... and I'm still broken. Completely broken. And I feel like a freak. There were three months of my life that we basically a tornado. I was in love, or so I thought. He wasn't, he lied and said he was. He did mass quantities of cocaine and lied and said he wasn't. He probably slept with multiple girls while he was with me. And lied and said he didn't. And when it ended, he said that he thought that I was the answer to his problems, that I could fix him. No dear, you can't fix that, but you broke me. Thanks for that. .... Then, less than two weeks later, I almost died, and I think that half of me did. Literally. And then, someone that I have loved since I was 17 actually did die, unexpectedly.

So, as I sit here on a Friday night, after being at a good friend's birthday party; after being hit on by multiple men, none of whom I would have wanted to be near, mostly just because they're men; after being told that I'm beautiful; and I wonder, why, if I'm so beautiful, am I always so broken? Why is it that every man that has ever been a part of my life, every man that was supposed to be there for me... was supposed to protect me... take care of me... and just LOVE me... have fed me to the wolves. "here baby, take this... I'm gonna go do some drugs" "Hey, I love you *snort*" "Hey, I want the best for you"... well, the best for me is not what any of you have done, ever. So, you could say that, tonight, I'm a man hater. Go ahead, say it.

But it's more than that... I hate people who can't stick to what they say. If you say you love someone, then love them. Don't leave them. Don't push them aside. Don't choose a high over them. Don't hurt them, repeatedly. That is not love. That is selfishness, manipulative selfishness. And, ladies and gentlemen, it sucks.

That was a tangent I had no intention of going on, but ya know what... that's how I feel. I can't trust or love anymore, and it's because people that were supposed to teach me to trust and love, people that I was supposed to be ABLE to trust and love, have done nothing but toss me aside. So, here goes. I'm broken. And I am healing everyday. But I promise that no one will ever break me the way that the people in the past have. Ever. And with that promise comes the basic inability to love or trust anyone.

Thank you for that.