I got the job! I started last Tuesday at an Immigration Law Firm just outside of Philadelphia... now I wake up at 5:45 every morning, get ready, drive an hour and a half, work for 8+ hours, drive an hour and a half home... see my boyfriend, and hopefully a friend or two... the end.
I spend 14 hours a day sitting. Those of you who know me know that sitting still is not necessarily my strong point... but I'm doing it. And I'm learning. But the thing is... I'm still confused.
This stuff fascinates me. I know that when I go to law school that this experience will be invaluable and I will know so much, not only that, I'm surrounded by people that understand the importance of appreciating those who are different from us, which is a beautiful thing. But I haven't played my guitar in a month. I have no inspiration, and no desire to have any. I wear sweaters that itch... and itch... and itch... and I constantly feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin and find myself in some alternate reality where my dreams actually meet my reality. ... constantly.
I never do. And the itchy sweaters still itch. Bad.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
10-4. Over..... Copy That.
I get right now. I ended my last entry with that... "I don't get a do-over, but I get right now". There are posters that say things like this, with encouraging pictures on them, like a silhouette of someone running set up against a bright orange setting sun; "It's not the destination, it's the journey". Well woohoo! Thank you Mr. Hallmark for that insightful tidbit. I truly appreciate that. It's not about getting a meal on the table, or a roof over your head, it's about enjoying every single self-deprecating, alienating moment of being unable to do so. Yippeeeeee!
Despite my sarcasm, I do believe that I don't get a do-over, and the only chance at "redemption" I really have is in attempting to make the best of what I have learned from those mistakes. But I have a question for you... why is that always so damn hard?
I have trained myself to be a certain way, and now that I have learned, logically, how to handle myself differently, how do I make my emotions do it? And how do I make others around me see that I am different if they are unwilling to believe that I am not the 12 year old, over-weight, attention seeking badass? How can you change, and be that changed person if people constantly force you into the corners you've always been in? How do you change the way you react?
I have tried. I don't yell anymore. I don't fight. I sigh, calmly, and hope that they back away and let me breathe. But they still yell the same, throw words like punches and jab their teeth into my skin, pouring insults directly into my weary bloodstream. I try to keep quiet; I hold my tongue so far in the back of my mouth that I think I may lose it forever. I swallow my opinions, convince myself that my emotions are invalid, convince myself that I am the issue and that they are justified in their constant antagonizing. I roll over and submit to the beating.... sticks and stones may break my bones, but let me tell you something: Words hurt the most. And I am tired of words. I am tired of choking down the pain and the hurt to keep from doing the same, when all that I want... all that I have ever wanted is peace.
Those of you that know me, know that I was not built to be a fighter, but a laugher and a lover. But when you are brought into a fight, you either come in swinging or you end up dead. So I have swung, kicked, punched, elbowed, bit and scratched. I have had broken bones, bruises, but they heal. Broken spirits take a lot longer, broken hearts take a lot longer... especially if you have a hard time remembering where you left yours.
So, my question is... how do I rise above my surroundings in my attempts to make real change? How do I love these people who can't love me enough to let me be happy, to let me have peace, to not break my heart every.single.day. without becoming calloused to them?
I have made extreme improvements, and I will get to the good parts, but today this is really weighing on me: how can you change in an environment that stays the same... negative, pessimistic, ill, selfish, sad, depressing.....? How can you change if you're in this? And how can you change if you can't get out of it? or is it even about that at all... should I just be able to shrug the pain off?
Friends?
Despite my sarcasm, I do believe that I don't get a do-over, and the only chance at "redemption" I really have is in attempting to make the best of what I have learned from those mistakes. But I have a question for you... why is that always so damn hard?
I have trained myself to be a certain way, and now that I have learned, logically, how to handle myself differently, how do I make my emotions do it? And how do I make others around me see that I am different if they are unwilling to believe that I am not the 12 year old, over-weight, attention seeking badass? How can you change, and be that changed person if people constantly force you into the corners you've always been in? How do you change the way you react?
I have tried. I don't yell anymore. I don't fight. I sigh, calmly, and hope that they back away and let me breathe. But they still yell the same, throw words like punches and jab their teeth into my skin, pouring insults directly into my weary bloodstream. I try to keep quiet; I hold my tongue so far in the back of my mouth that I think I may lose it forever. I swallow my opinions, convince myself that my emotions are invalid, convince myself that I am the issue and that they are justified in their constant antagonizing. I roll over and submit to the beating.... sticks and stones may break my bones, but let me tell you something: Words hurt the most. And I am tired of words. I am tired of choking down the pain and the hurt to keep from doing the same, when all that I want... all that I have ever wanted is peace.
Those of you that know me, know that I was not built to be a fighter, but a laugher and a lover. But when you are brought into a fight, you either come in swinging or you end up dead. So I have swung, kicked, punched, elbowed, bit and scratched. I have had broken bones, bruises, but they heal. Broken spirits take a lot longer, broken hearts take a lot longer... especially if you have a hard time remembering where you left yours.
So, my question is... how do I rise above my surroundings in my attempts to make real change? How do I love these people who can't love me enough to let me be happy, to let me have peace, to not break my heart every.single.day. without becoming calloused to them?
I have made extreme improvements, and I will get to the good parts, but today this is really weighing on me: how can you change in an environment that stays the same... negative, pessimistic, ill, selfish, sad, depressing.....? How can you change if you're in this? And how can you change if you can't get out of it? or is it even about that at all... should I just be able to shrug the pain off?
Friends?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
New Beginnings: Chances of a do-over.
A little more than 3 years ago I was a naive 21 year old girl, packing her things to set out on a great adventure. I was moving to Thailand. I studied abroad there in 2005, and believing that I was older and more mature at the end of my college career, I thought that I would be able to 'truly experience' Thailand better alone. Basically, I thought that I could run and that I wouldn't follow myself; I'm not certain that I really wanted to experience anything besides somewhere where I literally didn't exist. Somewhere that I could be someone completely different and no one would know. I would be happy. I would be a sinner and not be judged, I wouldn't be the girl with the guitar or the funny girl... I would be the real girl. I would be Paige. I would experience that for the first time. And trust me, I experienced it. If you count Never sleeping, wrecklessly driving a motorcycle, drinking every night... partying. I didn't party as hard as many people you may know, I didn't sleep around (that's never been my style), but I vomited a lot, and for me... it was enough to say that I don't remember many of the nights that I was there.
Though I did learn an extensive amount of the Thai language, and certainly learned a great deal about myself; I formed close relationships with co-teachers and with students, with restauranteers and bartenders, local musicians and even local lady-boys. I even taught English to Monks at a near by Temple every day. I even went into hill tribes to teach them English. I even went bungee jumping and zip lining and white water rafting. Though I DID everything that I really could, I didn't fully experience Thai culture by any means. I experienced the glamorous culture of a 21 year old, lonely, depressed, drunk ex-patriot living in an exotic country where everything she could possibly want was at her disposal.
I had opportunities to make a massive difference, and on various occasions, opted out because of a hang over, or because I was on my way to one. I spent countless hours crying in my permanent housing, which was basically a hotel room for 8 months of my stay. I constantly wanted to be everywhere that I wasn't. However, on the rare occasion that I did really take in where I was and how much I had accomplished by and before 21 years old, I was completely in awe of myself, even if I couldn't admit it out loud.
Following Thailand, I moved to Little Rock, Arkansas which is where I spent the majority of the first 16 years of my life. I hadn't lived there permanently since. though I made a point to visit every year. After the birth of my niece and the earth shattering realization that my lovely grandmother will not live forever, I decided to spend some time there. So, in November of 2008, I moved back to Little Rock. There are many stories that can be told of my year and a half spent in Little Rock, but they wouldn't be too incredibly different from the stories I could tell of Thailand: watered down with lost memories and cheap whiskey. In the following November, almost exactly a year after my arrival, I found myself with serious stomach problems, 30lbs lighter, on frightening amounts of anti-depressants; these paired with no sleep, no self-worth, horrible work hours and constant suicidal thoughts put me in pretty bad shape. I tried to kill myself.
Now, I realize that this is not an easy thing for most people to broach, and I'm not one to throw these things out on the internet, but in order for you to understand the depth of the person this is coming from, you must understand that I have felt darkness. I have held pain in my mouth and tried to swallow it and I have choked and suffocated;I have died. I have never been so incredibly lifeless. I found myself in my bed, my 'cave', my own hell to hide in--and I hid.
There is much more to tell of this, but all you need to know right now is that I tried, and obviously I failed... which I am thankful for.
I have written this in an attempt to re-start this blog. To account the events of my life from my current perspective, to celebrate new beginnings and to weigh my chances. I don't get a do-over, but I do get a continuance. I don't get yesterday back, I don't get mean words back or misguided actions... but I get right now and I get tomorrow, and I hope to share my thoughts and endeavors with you, and hope that you will respond to them-- to me.
Though I did learn an extensive amount of the Thai language, and certainly learned a great deal about myself; I formed close relationships with co-teachers and with students, with restauranteers and bartenders, local musicians and even local lady-boys. I even taught English to Monks at a near by Temple every day. I even went into hill tribes to teach them English. I even went bungee jumping and zip lining and white water rafting. Though I DID everything that I really could, I didn't fully experience Thai culture by any means. I experienced the glamorous culture of a 21 year old, lonely, depressed, drunk ex-patriot living in an exotic country where everything she could possibly want was at her disposal.
I had opportunities to make a massive difference, and on various occasions, opted out because of a hang over, or because I was on my way to one. I spent countless hours crying in my permanent housing, which was basically a hotel room for 8 months of my stay. I constantly wanted to be everywhere that I wasn't. However, on the rare occasion that I did really take in where I was and how much I had accomplished by and before 21 years old, I was completely in awe of myself, even if I couldn't admit it out loud.
Following Thailand, I moved to Little Rock, Arkansas which is where I spent the majority of the first 16 years of my life. I hadn't lived there permanently since. though I made a point to visit every year. After the birth of my niece and the earth shattering realization that my lovely grandmother will not live forever, I decided to spend some time there. So, in November of 2008, I moved back to Little Rock. There are many stories that can be told of my year and a half spent in Little Rock, but they wouldn't be too incredibly different from the stories I could tell of Thailand: watered down with lost memories and cheap whiskey. In the following November, almost exactly a year after my arrival, I found myself with serious stomach problems, 30lbs lighter, on frightening amounts of anti-depressants; these paired with no sleep, no self-worth, horrible work hours and constant suicidal thoughts put me in pretty bad shape. I tried to kill myself.
Now, I realize that this is not an easy thing for most people to broach, and I'm not one to throw these things out on the internet, but in order for you to understand the depth of the person this is coming from, you must understand that I have felt darkness. I have held pain in my mouth and tried to swallow it and I have choked and suffocated;I have died. I have never been so incredibly lifeless. I found myself in my bed, my 'cave', my own hell to hide in--and I hid.
There is much more to tell of this, but all you need to know right now is that I tried, and obviously I failed... which I am thankful for.
I have written this in an attempt to re-start this blog. To account the events of my life from my current perspective, to celebrate new beginnings and to weigh my chances. I don't get a do-over, but I do get a continuance. I don't get yesterday back, I don't get mean words back or misguided actions... but I get right now and I get tomorrow, and I hope to share my thoughts and endeavors with you, and hope that you will respond to them-- to me.
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