10-4. Over..... Copy That.

I get right now. I ended my last entry with that... "I don't get a do-over, but I get right now". There are posters that say things like this, with encouraging pictures on them, like a silhouette of someone running set up against a bright orange setting sun; "It's not the destination, it's the journey". Well woohoo! Thank you Mr. Hallmark for that insightful tidbit. I truly appreciate that. It's not about getting a meal on the table, or a roof over your head, it's about enjoying every single self-deprecating, alienating moment of being unable to do so. Yippeeeeee!
Despite my sarcasm, I do believe that I don't get a do-over, and the only chance at "redemption" I really have is in attempting to make the best of what I have learned from those mistakes. But I have a question for you... why is that always so damn hard?
I have trained myself to be a certain way, and now that I have learned, logically, how to handle myself differently, how do I make my emotions do it? And how do I make others around me see that I am different if they are unwilling to believe that I am not the 12 year old, over-weight, attention seeking badass? How can you change, and be that changed person if people constantly force you into the corners you've always been in? How do you change the way you react?
I have tried. I don't yell anymore. I don't fight. I sigh, calmly, and hope that they back away and let me breathe. But they still yell the same, throw words like punches and jab their teeth into my skin, pouring insults directly into my weary bloodstream. I try to keep quiet; I hold my tongue so far in the back of my mouth that I think I may lose it forever. I swallow my opinions, convince myself that my emotions are invalid, convince myself that I am the issue and that they are justified in their constant antagonizing. I roll over and submit to the beating.... sticks and stones may break my bones, but let me tell you something: Words hurt the most. And I am tired of words. I am tired of choking down the pain and the hurt to keep from doing the same, when all that I want... all that I have ever wanted is peace.
Those of you that know me, know that I was not built to be a fighter, but a laugher and a lover. But when you are brought into a fight, you either come in swinging or you end up dead. So I have swung, kicked, punched, elbowed, bit and scratched. I have had broken bones, bruises, but they heal. Broken spirits take a lot longer, broken hearts take a lot longer... especially if you have a hard time remembering where you left yours.
So, my question is... how do I rise above my surroundings in my attempts to make real change? How do I love these people who can't love me enough to let me be happy, to let me have peace, to not break my heart every.single.day. without becoming calloused to them?
I have made extreme improvements, and I will get to the good parts, but today this is really weighing on me: how can you change in an environment that stays the same... negative, pessimistic, ill, selfish, sad, depressing.....? How can you change if you're in this? And how can you change if you can't get out of it? or is it even about that at all... should I just be able to shrug the pain off?

Friends?