When you're older, you will understand...

"When you're older, you will understand...
then again... maybe you won't"

So, it is a new year!! Happy new year to all of you! I can't believe the changes that 2008 brought in, or how fast it went by. I feel like 2008 just started and BAM! It's over. Insane...
I can't help but think that this time last year, I was just getting my footing in Chiang Mai, and here I am in Little Rock, just as lost as I was in Asia... and even less employed. But that will change, soon, hopefully.
Well, New years eve was a LOT of fun, though I'm pretty sure I pissed quite a few people off... well, you win some, you learn some... I had fun.



With a new year comes resolutions, and most of us have pretty good intentions, those of us that make them. I've never really been one to make them because "I wont' keep it anyway", but this year I decided to try... I'm trying to lose weight (what's new, right? haha.) But I'm also trying to sort myself out, get my pre-reqs sorted so that I can get into the Nursing program at Hopkins that I badly want to get into, find scholarships, and also, to start acting like a girl... haha.
Another resolution is to be nicer to myself, and not as nice to the people that don't deserve it, but that's something I've said I'm going to do for years now and I think I've improved, but I haven't really got it down yet.
Oh, and this summer... I'm buying a motorcycle. And I don't care what anyone says, or who argues with me, it's happening... so suck it up. It'll be great for Baltimore or any city I decide to live in, and then in the winters I'll have my CRV and public transport, so, leave me alone. PLUS, I'm a pro. haha.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I'm still single, and I still prefer that. Guys stress me OUT... I've tried dating here and there, and I've decided that I'd rather just be single. Maybe soon someone will change my mind, but for now, I like it this way.

My mom will be here on the 16th! WORD.
Peace out, cub scouts.

You won't have to look up at the stars, no no

I realize that some people have been hurt by this post, and for that I apologize, you must remember that these are merely my rantings of the moment, and not meant to be offensive to anyone. I love you all, if I didn't you wouldn't get to me as much as you do, so don't let my rants on a blog effect you so much. I won't delete it, because it's how I feel... if you choose to take it personally, then I'm sorry to have hurt you... It isn't directed at anyone in particular, it's just feelings, and we're all a little bit irrational sometimes, so give me a break and allow me to express myself without taking offense, please.

Merry Christmas.

"You could write a book about the complexities of the relationships in your family.."

my best friend said this to me today, and it's so very true. They love me when I'm gone, and hate me when I'm here... resent me when I'm wandering the world, and beg me to come home. It's a wretched dichotomy that I'm afraid I will never truly understand. Loving and hating someone at the same time: My family thrives on this... it's how we survive, it's what forces the blood through our veins-- I'm convinced.
How can a place be home and you still feel like an intruder every time you're there? How can you live somewhere and yet be expected not to exist there? How can you be expected to leave no evidence of that pathetic excuse for an existence? How can someone have your "best interest in mind" all while doing their best to hinder any advancement you attempt?

Much less, why are they stuck so far under my nails, under my skin, in my veins, constantly weighing heavy on my bones?

These aches are too old for this body, to wise for this mind and too deep for this ocean.

You light up my life...

Ladies and Gentlemen... meet my lovely niece. She is the most perfect little being on earth.


She loves yogurt. And her hat.


She also LOVES bath time.


And her fish hat.


But most of all... she loves pudding.

Good song.

One reason I love Rosie Thomas:

Everyday I’m so afraid
Afraid of dying
Death already came and got me
Cause I’m not living...
I'm not living anyway...

And who am i supposed to be?
Everybody seems to see except for me
Who cares anyway....
Cause when it's over,
It's all over, and what you gain you throw away

When will love ever find me?
All my life all I’ve craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway...
Cause when it's over,
All that matters is the love you gave away

Hoppin' home...

News Flash: I broke my ankle. I'll be home on Wednesday... I'll post my phone number when I can.

What this means: I'm not going to Vietnam or Laos. I'm not traveling. I won't be able to drive when I get home.

Therefore, I'm going to be cranky.

boo.

Okay, you can laugh now. It is kind'a funny... haha.

This is why I'm hot...

This is why I'm hot
This is why I'm hot (Uh)

This is why I'm hot

This is why; This is why....
This is why I'm hot


I'm hot cause I'm fly
You ain't cause you're not

This is why; This is why...
This is why I'm hot


[Verse 1:]
This is why I'm hot
I don't gotta rap

I can sell a mill saying nothing on the track
I represent New York
I got it on my back

Niggas say that we lost it
So I'm gonna bring it back
I love the dirty, dirty
'Cause niggas show me love

The ladies start to bounce
As soon as I hit the club
But in the Midwest
They love to take it slow

So when I hit the H
I watch you get it on the floor
And if you needed it hyphy
I take it to the Bay
Frisco to Sac-town

They do it everyday
Compton to Hollywood
As soon as I hit L.A.
I'm in that low, low

I do it the Cali way
And when I hit Chi
People say that I'm fly

They like the way I dress they like
(They like my) my attire move crowds from side to side

They ask me how I do it and simply I reply...

This is Why I'm hot...
This is why I'm hot (uh)

This is why; This is why...
This is why I'm hot.



And THAT my friends... is why I... am hot.

Sometimes Bombs Fall Quietly...

I'd be downsizing this whole experience if I said I haven't learned anything. I learned that sometimes being stubborn is a good quality, survivors are stubborn, lovers are stubborn... I'm pretty sure that most people are stubborn, actually.
I came to a foreign country completely alone, as many do, and I have made friends. I have made good friends. I've pushed my limits. I've bungee jumped. I've kayaked through canyons and mangroves in the ocean, and had a monkey on my leg trying to steal my peanuts. I've taught. I've completely pushed my comfort zones. I've learned (KIND OF) a language that the majority of Americans will never even come in contact with. I have befriended monks (that I haven't seen in months! I'm a bad person...) I have learned to drive a manual "motorcycle", and owned one. I have eaten friend beetles. I haven't been cold in a year. I have a permanent farmer's tan. I've befriended people that I would never have even MET, or thought existed had I not done this.
I have lived alone. I have been lonely, truly truly lonely, and I have forced myself to find a solution to that. I have been truly truly depressed, truly truly sick, truly truly tired of this and I have pushed through it. I have loved this country. I have hated this country. I have loved my ability to push through things, and I have hated it.

With that said, it is people that make the place... and sometimes the place that makes the people. Luckily, for me, I have many friends that have made this place awesome for me... and I have this place that has made me change.

Over the past month, I've been struggling with the decision to come home, and in the end, have decided that my time here is coming to an end. I need to face my life and responsibilities at home. I need to be doing something more useful, as gratifying is this is, I need something more. Something more challenging and all-consuming. I have decided to leave my loves here, my life here, and head home! I'm both sad, scared and excited, but it's time. Sometimes you have to move on, and this was never permanent... sort of like my year long tan-lines. They were never meant to stay forever. I am not meant to be in Thailand forever, as much as I love it.

So, I'll see you all in November!