New Beginnings: Chances of a do-over.

A little more than 3 years ago I was a naive 21 year old girl, packing her things to set out on a great adventure. I was moving to Thailand. I studied abroad there in 2005, and believing that I was older and more mature at the end of my college career, I thought that I would be able to 'truly experience' Thailand better alone. Basically, I thought that I could run and that I wouldn't follow myself; I'm not certain that I really wanted to experience anything besides somewhere where I literally didn't exist. Somewhere that I could be someone completely different and no one would know. I would be happy. I would be a sinner and not be judged, I wouldn't be the girl with the guitar or the funny girl... I would be the real girl. I would be Paige. I would experience that for the first time. And trust me, I experienced it. If you count Never sleeping, wrecklessly driving a motorcycle, drinking every night... partying. I didn't party as hard as many people you may know, I didn't sleep around (that's never been my style), but I vomited a lot, and for me... it was enough to say that I don't remember many of the nights that I was there.
Though I did learn an extensive amount of the Thai language, and certainly learned a great deal about myself; I formed close relationships with co-teachers and with students, with restauranteers and bartenders, local musicians and even local lady-boys. I even taught English to Monks at a near by Temple every day. I even went into hill tribes to teach them English. I even went bungee jumping and zip lining and white water rafting. Though I DID everything that I really could, I didn't fully experience Thai culture by any means. I experienced the glamorous culture of a 21 year old, lonely, depressed, drunk ex-patriot living in an exotic country where everything she could possibly want was at her disposal.
I had opportunities to make a massive difference, and on various occasions, opted out because of a hang over, or because I was on my way to one. I spent countless hours crying in my permanent housing, which was basically a hotel room for 8 months of my stay. I constantly wanted to be everywhere that I wasn't. However, on the rare occasion that I did really take in where I was and how much I had accomplished by and before 21 years old, I was completely in awe of myself, even if I couldn't admit it out loud.
Following Thailand, I moved to Little Rock, Arkansas which is where I spent the majority of the first 16 years of my life. I hadn't lived there permanently since. though I made a point to visit every year. After the birth of my niece and the earth shattering realization that my lovely grandmother will not live forever, I decided to spend some time there. So, in November of 2008, I moved back to Little Rock. There are many stories that can be told of my year and a half spent in Little Rock, but they wouldn't be too incredibly different from the stories I could tell of Thailand: watered down with lost memories and cheap whiskey. In the following November, almost exactly a year after my arrival, I found myself with serious stomach problems, 30lbs lighter, on frightening amounts of anti-depressants; these paired with no sleep, no self-worth, horrible work hours and constant suicidal thoughts put me in pretty bad shape. I tried to kill myself.
Now, I realize that this is not an easy thing for most people to broach, and I'm not one to throw these things out on the internet, but in order for you to understand the depth of the person this is coming from, you must understand that I have felt darkness. I have held pain in my mouth and tried to swallow it and I have choked and suffocated;I have died. I have never been so incredibly lifeless. I found myself in my bed, my 'cave', my own hell to hide in--and I hid.
There is much more to tell of this, but all you need to know right now is that I tried, and obviously I failed... which I am thankful for.

I have written this in an attempt to re-start this blog. To account the events of my life from my current perspective, to celebrate new beginnings and to weigh my chances. I don't get a do-over, but I do get a continuance. I don't get yesterday back, I don't get mean words back or misguided actions... but I get right now and I get tomorrow, and I hope to share my thoughts and endeavors with you, and hope that you will respond to them-- to me.