In need of a song...

I need a song. Any song that could possibly make me believe that music is not completely dead. Lately, it seems like every single song I hear is exactly the same... the same progression, the same melody. I'm tired of it... so if someone could please resurrect my belief that people still like music, instead of just the same old D, F#, A, G progression, or some topsy turvey variation of it... I would greatly, greatly appreciate it.

Now, I have had a bad day. The first honest to goodness BAD day in a very long time... what makes a bad day? Is it something that happens? Is it just one event that ruins an entire period of 24 hours? I don't get it... because I just don't have WHOLE bad days very often. I may have a bad few hours, but not a whole day, and today has just been horrible.... I wonder if its because of the moon. Whatever it is, I'm ready for tomorrow.

If you don't live in Little Rock, please please please take time to come visit me. I miss you.

The way things are.

I realize I haven't written in awhile, that's really because not much has happened that's worth writing about. My niece is 15 months old now, walking and trying to say words, though most of them sound the same... she's amazing and has the potential to be so great someday... I hope the cards she's been delt allow her to be as great as she can be. She really is the coolest tiny little person ever, and the only person I think I would kill someone for.
I've started a new job a UAMS (a hospital in Little Rock) and am taking pre-reqs to get into a Nursing program... I'm looking at Philadelphia. There are good programs at Drexel and Jefferson. I don't think I can handle Little Rock for long enough to do nursing school here. NOOOOPE. hahaha. I do love my job thus far! Its awesome! I'm moving into a new Apartment on the 3rd, which I'm SUPER excited about! I have to figure out furniture, but I'm not too worried about that... it'll come.

Now, I'm really writing because I have something on my mind, and nowhere to say it, so here we go:
We all have moments when we sit back and say "wow, this really is... this really is what it is." I know, it sounds silly, but you know I'm right. When you realize that you have what you have, only you can change that, despite the urge you may have to expect other people to change it for you.
On that same note, there is a point in most of our lives when we look back on all of the mistakes we've made, and all of the triumphs we've had and are able to say "wow, I did that." It becomes an issue when all you can see are your own triumphs and are unable to admit that your mistakes are indeed YOUR mistakes... no one elses.
This is something that's really been bothering me lately: people that can't take responsibility for their own actions. We all make mistakes, and if we're lucky, we're able to learn from them... if we are mature enough to take responsibility for them. However, if we're not, we could spend years angry at the world because of how hard our lives have been. Not that some people aren't delt shitty hands, don't get me wrong... but sometimes, you choose the cards. Sometimes you get the choice between an Ace or a 3, and if you choose the 3... that's your bad... now of course, that depends on the game, but I think most of you get my drift. If you are offered a drug addiction... you have the choice to refuse it. If you don't, that's your choice. Nobody put that drug into your veins... you did. You can be mad at the people that offered it to you, gave it to you, or even pressured you into doing it... but no one FORCED you to do it. That was your decision... right? Or am I just way off point here?
I'm tired of people being victims, being bitter and hateful because "I've had such a shitty life", particularly when those people CHOSE. If you come from the same blood and the same situation as someone who has a completely different life, that is because of choices... not because you haven't had choices. Its because you made the WRONG choices. So, own up to it. Stop being an asshole to the people that love you and learn to appreciate that you had people that cared enough to stick by you despite the fact that you treat them like crap. Learn to appreciate the fact that people forgive you and forgive you and forgive you for your bad moods, for your constant hatefulness, selfishness and materialism. Learn to appreciate the fact that you have a family that loves you. Stop being such a selfish asshole, lest you end up alone.
Now, I can feel myself getting angry... but its REALLY been getting to me lately. It isn't fair to the people that care about you. So, if you're a person who believes the whole world has shit on you, take a look around, take a look at yourself. The likelihood is that you shat on yourself... and that, my dears, is noone else's fault. Its yours. Deal with it.

Lyrics to a song I wrote about this exact thing. Its a beautiful song, and I think the bridge sums up what I mean perfectly. WOO.

I've made mistakes,
and I've apologized,
but you are so hateful...
and so quick to criticize.
Yes, I mess up,
and make bad decisions,
but I think I've earned--
just a little consideration.

But if perfection won't do,
neither will I...
If I'll only fail,
why should I try?
Cause you weren't the glue
that held me together...
No I'm not falling apart over a broken forever...
I deserve more than that.

You'll patronize,
and throw out insults,
one after another,
with no results.
You'll be ignored,
and left all alone...
and you'll be unnerved,
when you're kicked off your throne...

But if perfection won't do,
neither will I...
If I'll only fail,
why should I try?
Cause you weren't the glue
that held me together...
No I'm not falling apart over a broken forever...
I deserve more than that.

You made mistakes...
Made bad decisions...
You're such a victim,
and the only one to blame...
You made your bed,
and now you can't sleep,
with the nightmares you lived,
that are haunting your dreams.

But if perfection won't do,
neither will I...
If I'll only fail,
why should I try?
Cause you weren't the glue
that held me together...
No I'm not falling apart over a broken forever...
I deserve more than that,
I deserve more than that...
yes, I deserve more than that...

And that's what I'll have.


I have learned, with time, that my mistakes are mine and noone else's, and, frankly, I'm sick of being blamed for other people's regrets. I have my own. You will never be happy until you realize that YOU have control over your own life...

I'm sorry you're so miserable.

Run Baby, Run.

Those of you that know me well, know that the thing that I'm the best at is running. If I can't cope, I run. I run to Asia, I run to Europe.. I run as far as I can possibly get from the situation with which I feel I can't handle. So, I find myself in limbo again and tempted to buy the first ticket to Ireland I can find... characteristic of me, I suppose.
This year is my year to be still, but I still can't help myself from feeling that I need to run... far and fast. Things get too comfortable, people get too close and I instantly want OUT. My song for this is an oooold song by Sheryl Crow from her Album "Tuesday Night Club", which was released when I was in the 4th grade. It was my VERY FIRST CD, and is probably still one of my favorites to this day... So, in my attempt to be still, I listen to songs about running.

Run Baby, Run.

She was born in November 1963
The day Aldous Huxley died
And her mama believed
That every man could be free
So her mama got high, high, high
And her daddy marched on Birmingham
Singing mighty protest songs
And he pictured all the places
That he knew that she belonged
But he failed and taught her young
The only thing she's need to carry on
He taught her how to

Run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run

Past the arms of the familiar
And their old familiar ways
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
so long
Baby loves to run

She counts out all her money
In the taxi on the way to meet her plane
Stares hopeful out the window
At the workers fighting
Through the pouring rain
She's searching through the stations
For an unfamiliar song
And she's pictures all the places
Where she knows she still belongs
And she smiles the secret smile
Because she knows exactly how
To carry on

So run baby run baby run baby run
Baby run

From the old familiar faces and
Their old familiar ways
To the comfort of the strangers
Slipping out before they say
So long
Baby loves to run

When you're older, you will understand...

"When you're older, you will understand...
then again... maybe you won't"

So, it is a new year!! Happy new year to all of you! I can't believe the changes that 2008 brought in, or how fast it went by. I feel like 2008 just started and BAM! It's over. Insane...
I can't help but think that this time last year, I was just getting my footing in Chiang Mai, and here I am in Little Rock, just as lost as I was in Asia... and even less employed. But that will change, soon, hopefully.
Well, New years eve was a LOT of fun, though I'm pretty sure I pissed quite a few people off... well, you win some, you learn some... I had fun.



With a new year comes resolutions, and most of us have pretty good intentions, those of us that make them. I've never really been one to make them because "I wont' keep it anyway", but this year I decided to try... I'm trying to lose weight (what's new, right? haha.) But I'm also trying to sort myself out, get my pre-reqs sorted so that I can get into the Nursing program at Hopkins that I badly want to get into, find scholarships, and also, to start acting like a girl... haha.
Another resolution is to be nicer to myself, and not as nice to the people that don't deserve it, but that's something I've said I'm going to do for years now and I think I've improved, but I haven't really got it down yet.
Oh, and this summer... I'm buying a motorcycle. And I don't care what anyone says, or who argues with me, it's happening... so suck it up. It'll be great for Baltimore or any city I decide to live in, and then in the winters I'll have my CRV and public transport, so, leave me alone. PLUS, I'm a pro. haha.
Anyway, now I'm just rambling. I'm still single, and I still prefer that. Guys stress me OUT... I've tried dating here and there, and I've decided that I'd rather just be single. Maybe soon someone will change my mind, but for now, I like it this way.

My mom will be here on the 16th! WORD.
Peace out, cub scouts.

You won't have to look up at the stars, no no

I realize that some people have been hurt by this post, and for that I apologize, you must remember that these are merely my rantings of the moment, and not meant to be offensive to anyone. I love you all, if I didn't you wouldn't get to me as much as you do, so don't let my rants on a blog effect you so much. I won't delete it, because it's how I feel... if you choose to take it personally, then I'm sorry to have hurt you... It isn't directed at anyone in particular, it's just feelings, and we're all a little bit irrational sometimes, so give me a break and allow me to express myself without taking offense, please.

Merry Christmas.

"You could write a book about the complexities of the relationships in your family.."

my best friend said this to me today, and it's so very true. They love me when I'm gone, and hate me when I'm here... resent me when I'm wandering the world, and beg me to come home. It's a wretched dichotomy that I'm afraid I will never truly understand. Loving and hating someone at the same time: My family thrives on this... it's how we survive, it's what forces the blood through our veins-- I'm convinced.
How can a place be home and you still feel like an intruder every time you're there? How can you live somewhere and yet be expected not to exist there? How can you be expected to leave no evidence of that pathetic excuse for an existence? How can someone have your "best interest in mind" all while doing their best to hinder any advancement you attempt?

Much less, why are they stuck so far under my nails, under my skin, in my veins, constantly weighing heavy on my bones?

These aches are too old for this body, to wise for this mind and too deep for this ocean.

You light up my life...

Ladies and Gentlemen... meet my lovely niece. She is the most perfect little being on earth.


She loves yogurt. And her hat.


She also LOVES bath time.


And her fish hat.


But most of all... she loves pudding.

Good song.

One reason I love Rosie Thomas:

Everyday I’m so afraid
Afraid of dying
Death already came and got me
Cause I’m not living...
I'm not living anyway...

And who am i supposed to be?
Everybody seems to see except for me
Who cares anyway....
Cause when it's over,
It's all over, and what you gain you throw away

When will love ever find me?
All my life all I’ve craved is to be seen
Who cares anyway...
Cause when it's over,
All that matters is the love you gave away